Unlucky in Love
by blue2dolphin2
Summary: Jafar wants a second chance with the Mistress of All Evil. And he has decided to go after it! But... life never really works out for our ex-vizier.


It was eight pm at night, and a huge celebration. The yearly Snow White anniversary was one of the hugest ones, followed (in no particular order) by Lion King, Frozen, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Aladdin, The Little Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast. Tangled, Lady and the Tramp, Pinocchio, Fantasia, Bambi and The Jungle Book.

Which was why everyone was so shocked to see the villains there. The villains didn't actually care very much. They were just standing around and talking to each other, like anyone else. Except they were- y'know, villains.

"So," Jafar began. "We are actually at a Disney good-guy party."

"Yeah." Rourke said. "And it's an utter non-event- and really awkward."

"Could be worse." Facilier said. "Dear Miss Sinclair could be right here, right now, and to state the obvious, you tried to kill her. That poor loyal sidekick."

"Very harsh." Jafar commented. "As annoying as Iago is, I would never try to kill that bird."

Hades snapped to attention. "Where is Helga anyway, I was hoping-"

"Stop right there, because that's never gonna happen." Jafar cut in.

Facilier smiled. "Even if she wasn't outside kissing ol' Princey Hans."

Hades shrugged. "Ah, well!"

"Hey, boys- Jafar!" Maleficent walked past. She stopped. "Jafar, how are you? Sorry, no time to talk AT ALL- Gaston, hi! Would you like to- talk for a while?"

Jafar slammed his face into his hands. She had totally won there, no doubt.

"Yessss!" Hades sort of cheer-hissed. "Now I don't have to see it!"

"See what?" Facilier asked.

"His face." Hades answered. "I thought it was obvious."

Facilier snickered at that. "That's true."

"Ohhhhh, God." Rourke rolled his eyes. "Jafar, get over her already!"

"Wait what?" Jafar pulled his face up from his hands. "I am so over her! Didn't even like her! And it was a mutual breakup!"

"Keep telling yourself that." Madam Medusa snapped, storming up to the group. She lowered her voice and hissed, "And you were supposed to call me, Jafar!" However, the other three men heard this, and did their best not to laugh until she had stormed off again.

"Remind me why she is part of my life." Jafar deadpanned.

"See, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET DUMPED MY THE MISTRESS OF ALL EVIL, JAFAR! Next time, _don't_ just find a really easy rebound!" Rourke shouted.

"Do be quiet." Jafar snapped.

"Aw, the poor sorcerer wants to wallow!" Hades mocked. "Because his ex, who he's still totally in to, has almost managed to pull Gaston, the second most conventionally handsome guy in the villains! While this saddo-" He pointed at the pissed Jafar. "-got stuck with a pity shag who thinks she's something more. Ooh, look! He's pulled! He's pulled!"

"You got that right." Facilier agreed. "The only way this could possibly get worse is if she pulled Hans."

"Hans is with Helga." Jafar said immediately. "Hans and Maleficent- that will never happen."

"Good." Hades said. "Or we would never hear the end of your bitching!"

"Check this!" Cruella said excitedly, running- or clacking- as fast as she could go in those skyscrapers she called shoes. "Look what I got a picture of!"

Despite how emo Jafar's mind had gone with his slight- ahem- encounter- with his ex, he could not stop laughing at what Cruella had shown him and the other guys.

"This is priceless!" Rourke choked out. "Oh my God, this is the best!"

"You said it!" Facilier quipped. "Oh yeah!"

What was it? Only a picture of Frollo, Mr Tight-Arse, and that crazy scientist/witch, Yzma, making out in the stinking alleyway round Calderon Road (Jafar always pitied the Horned King, he had to live right near that alley.)

"Ew." Hades said, when they had regained both dignity and ability to breathe and speak. "In that ALLEYWAY? Not classy!"

"In my view." Rourke stated. "It's not that classy to do it anywhere BUT in private!"

"Agreed." Facilier confirmed. "Ain't nobody who wants to see that."

"You would know, wouldn't you, Commander?" Hades laughed.

"Used to." Rourke muttered. Everyone just sniggered a bit and kept reminiscing over what Cruella had told them. They didn't much like her, she was too much of a drama queen, and had too much of a dog obsession (that sounded kind of wrong), but this- this was priceless. Jafar had to give her credit for that.

"Oy!" Ursula approached the group from behind and smacked Dr Facilier's whole body with a tentacle.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" Facilier screamed as he was pulled into the air and dangled about six inches from her face. "Ursula, what the bloody hell do you want?"

"Oh darling, you know already! Just one date!"

"No way! Ah! Put me down!"

"Wow." Hades shrugged. "This is literally a typical villain party except with more heroes and better food."

"Are you sure, Doctor?" Ursula was wheedling. Fat chance that she would ever get there.

"Very sure! Now PUT ME DOWN!"

Ursula scowled. "Ugh, fine then." She dropped Facilier and slithered off, seething and muttering to herself.

"Urrrrrrgh…." Facilier whined, rubbing his back. "Is she ever gonna quit?"

Rourke looked at the voodoo man pityingly. "No. You should know that!"

Facilier sneered right back. "Excuse me for hoping!"

"Yeah, can't blame you there." Hades snorted.

"Good day, gentlemen." Frollo said, in his cold, dignified way. "Sorry I'm late."

"Uh, hey." Rourke said, holding back the urge to laugh.

"Whatsup?" Facilier greeted, then he rushed away. "Erm, bye, I have to do stuff!"

"Me too!" Hades said, quickly leaving with his hand clamped over his mouth.

"See ya!" Rourke quickly exited.

"Why did they all leave?" Frollo asked. Jafar looked at the three traitors who had just abandoned him, along with the desperate urge to laugh at a dangerous sociopathic judge. He saw them by the buffet table laughing. Jafar started breathing very oddly, because that was the only way he could control his impending laughter.

"Guess what, dah-ling!" Cruella shrieked. "I've got more- ooh, Fro, hi!"

"Frollo." Frollo snapped. "It's Frollo! What in the excellent name of the Lord do you need Jafar to see?"

"Just these!" Cruella said, waving the picture about.

Gaston came over. "Whoa, Frollo! You and YZMA!" he boomed, loud enough to make sure the whole room could hear him. Frollo shot a death glare at the hunter.

The whole room went quiet. Jafar could hear some of the heroes and heroines, particularly Esmeralda, whispering in shock and mirth. Then Jafar burst out laughing, and went to join his three best friends (or as good friends as Disney Villains could be).

"That was brilliant." Rourke commented. "Mal here definitely had the right idea."

"Yeah." Facilier agreed. "Kudos to Gaston! Wait, I'm a Disney Villain and I said 'kudos'." Facilier screwed his face up in disgust at what he had just said.

"It isn't funny!" Frollo stormed up to the heckling group.

"Correction, Oh Holy Frollo, it is funny! I mean, THAT'S your rebound from Esmeralda!" Hades laughed. "That's even worse than what Jafar has!"

"What does he have?" Frollo asked dryly.

"Madame Medusa!" Hades crowed in glee.

"Oh shut up!" Jafar hissed.

Mickey Mouse banged on a glass. "Everyone! Take your seats."

"Of course, we're in the back!" Rourke hissed.

Frollo sneered at him. "Bitch, bitch, bitch!" he mocked.

**Meanwhile, outside…..**

"Oh shit!" Helga said. "It's starting! We have to go!"

Together, Helga and Hans started running to the hall, bursting through the doors and entering quickly, just as the anniversary was about to start…

**Back inside….**

Jafar could hear Kida whispering to Milo, "Someone's late."

Anna and Elsa snickered at that.

"Don't try to kill her, or we'll get kicked out again." Facilier whispered to Rourke.

"Kill who?" Rourke asked.

"Kill _Kida._" Facilier answered.

"I wasn't going to- but good idea!" Rourke said.

"Great job, genius!" Hades commented sarcastically.

"Hey guys!" Hans greeted, sliding into his seat. "Rourke, dude, why would you want to kill her? Helga, I mean. She is…"

"Quiet!" Audrey Ramirez hissed.

"Why are you guys back here?" Hades asked. "Y'know, near us villains."

"Forgotten movies go at the back." Mrs Packard deadpanned. "Black Cauldron cast over there." Eilonwy, Taran, Gurgi and that-bard-who had-the-hard-to-spell name, and Gurgi waved. The Horned King decided to join the other villains.

"Horny!" Jafar greeted. "How are you?"

"Great." the Horned King said. "Best week ever… I caught Frollo and Yzma in the alley AND that vixen Grimhilde was round at my place last night, so…. I'm good."

"That is wrong in some way." Facilier commented.

"We're all technically human in some way." Rourke defended.

"'Cept you." Hans remarked. "You tried to kill Helga…. that's why you can't possibly be human! She's great! She was a good sidekick! Unlike Hades's goons!"

Hades started to protest, but realised that the young prince was right about the stupid imps.

"Incompetent henchmen is what let me down! I wish I had Helga in my movie!" Jafar complained

"Then we'd have to have Genie back here, so I'm glad you didn't." Frollo muttered.

Mickey glared sternly at the back row. "Oy, guys in the back, shut up! Time to celebrate."

"Who wants to celebrate?" Grimhilde hissed, leaning over. "Hey, King, you wanna-?"

"Sure." the Horned King muttered. "Private after-party?"

Grimhilde nodded like she was completing a particularly satisfying business exchange. "Private after-party." she confirmed.

"Call me!" Medusa hissed at Jafar.

"Heeelllooo, Frooollllooo!" Yzma said. "Iiii''m loooking forward to seeeiiing you again

"Ah!" Frollo ducked under his seat. "Why did I- *siiiiiiiigh*"

"You caaaaann't hide! YOU CAN'T HIDE!" Yzma yelled. By now they were causing quite a ruckus.

"FACILIER!" Ursula bellowed, deciding to get in on the action, as the villains were already making enough noise. "Could you consider my offer? Please?"

"NO!" Facilier yelled back.

"VILLAINS! QUIET!" Mickey shouted.

"Just another party!" Hades remarked mockingly.

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It was just a normal day in Disney-town. Frollo, Rourke, Jafar, Facilier and Hades were sitting on a balcony outside a second floor window of the Disney Villain Control Center, people-watching.

"Ohhhhh, check it! Mulan!" Rourke said. "Wow, that girl's a good fighter."

"Ooh-hoo-hoo! Maleficent and SHAN YU!" Hades cackled.

Jafar groaned, hopefully inwardly, at that revelation.

Facilier smiled. "Gaston mustn't have done it for her!"

Rourke narrowed his eyes. "Wasn't that two weeks ago? And I'm pretty sure I saw them leave together."

Frollo shook his head. "That whore- I never liked her, Jafar! I never liked her! I warned you when you two got together!"

"No you didn't! You said that she was nice-looking and had a good body. For a Mistress of All Evil." Rourke replied.

"She would be a better rebound than Yzma." Hades chortled. Frollo glared.

"Mulan got dared to fight the first villains she saw in the street, every day, for a year." Jafar explained. "Let's see what she makes of it!" They leant over, eagerly listening.

"You challenge me to a fight! That's cute." Maleficent mocked.

"Let's see how cute I am, Mistress! Bring. It. On."

Before anyone could blink, Shan Yu was pinned to the ground by a sword, changed into a mouse, and Mulan had Maleficent's staff. She proceeded to fight Maleficent, knocked her to the ground, and gave the staff back. The Chinese warrior shinned up the control centre, pausing on the balcony they were sitting on.

"Hey boys." she said to the five villains.

"Hi Mulan." Rourke muttered. No-one really felt like crossing her right now, and if she could defeat Shan Yu- they would most likely NEVER really feel like crossing Fa Mulan.

"See ya!" she smiled sarcastically, and kept shimmying up the building.

"Oh come on guys!" Jafar moaned. "We're villains, we need to give the heroines some sort of fight!"

"Well, she's gone." Facilier scowled.

"And I really can't be bothered to do anything." Hades shrugged.

Frollo shrugged. "I can't really do anything."

"Neither." Rourke intoned.

"Well, you all suck then! I can just cast a spell with my sta- it's gone!"

"Come and get it!" Mulan mocked from the roof. She waved the staff about, dropped it on the roof and ran across the rooftops shouting, "Merida! Merida! I did it! Now who owes me an archery lesson!"

Facilier sniggered at him. "Now you suck too!"

"Yo, Maleficent!" Hades shouted, as Jafar frantically signalled no.

"What?"

"Can you get that staff from up there?" Hades asked, as Jafar kicked him repeatedly in the shin.

"No way! Get it yourself! Hang on- hey, Jafar!" she shouted.

"What?" Jafar asked.

"If you get that staff by yourself, I'll consider taking you back!"

"What?" Jafar yelled.

"GET IT YOURSELF AND I'LL GO ON A DATE WITH YOU!"

"Wait what?" squeaked Mouse Shan Yu.

"Oh go away! You're of no use to me anymore!"

"Um…OK, can you change me back first?" Mouse Shan Yu squealed.

"I'll take you to Yzma." Maleficent said off-handedly. "I don't have time for this!"

"Wait, the crazy old witch who hooked up with Frollo? Nooooooo….!" Mouse Shan Yu screamed, as Maleficent picked him up, put him in a bag and walked coolly off.

"OK, guys. I still need my staff! Hades?"

"My magic is on probation because I tried to de-strengthen Hercules last week. Again" Hades explained.

"Frollo- useless… as normal. ("Hey!") Facilier?"

"Voodoo is nothing to with retrieving things! I could turn you into a kangaroo or a bird or something, but ever since the end of the movie….. my powers are not quite honed and you might never change back!"

"No thanks." Jafar said. "I rather like my humanity. Hey, Rourke, you were a soldier! Could you get up there?"

"That day is passed." Rourke answered regretfully. "But, I bet Helga could do it."

"You think she'd help you, Rourke?" Hades asked. "YOU TRIED TO KILL HER!"

"Hey, it's not helping me, it's helping Jafar!" Rourke protested.

"Fine then. You think she'd help you, Jafar?" Hades asked sceptically.

"Well, maybe!" Jafar interjected, but was cut off by his friends laughing hysterically.

"Hilarious!" Hades declared, still laughing and clapping his hands.

"Oh for god's sakes!" Jafar snapped. He leaned in at the window. "Helga! Are you in there?"

Luckily, she was, and heard him. There was a protest from Prince Hans, as she walked over to the window next to them and stuck her head out of it. "WHAT?"

"Can you get that staff for me?"

"No! I refuse to help anyone associated with that bastard!" she snapped furiously, pointing at Rourke.

"Oh come on, it's helping me! I don't even like him very much."

Helga rolled her eyes. "Fine. Under one condition: I get to push Rourke off this balcony and get even!"

"Oh come on!" Rourke said.

"Sure." Jafar agreed nonchalantly, not really listening.

"WHAT?" Rourke yelled.

"What?" Jafar asked.

"Um, she said the only way to get your staff is for me to die!"

"I'm the one who gets to kill you." Helga put in. "FYI."

"Oh hang on. I don't really want you to kill my friend? Please…."

Helga tutted. "You look desperate. This pleases me….. fine!" She climbed up, retrieved the staff, landed on the balcony, and THEN threw Rourke off. Facilier managed to catch him by one arm. Helga just stood there smirking.

"Hmm." Facilier wondered sarcastically. "Should I pull Rourke back onto this balcony?"

"Just so you know, he was the one who told Ursula that you were into her." Helga smiled.

"WHAT? YOU BASTARD!" Facilier yelled furiously, letting go of the commander's arm in rage.

"Oops, I lied. It wasn't him." Helga giggled. "It was me. Later guys."

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"Hey, Jafar!" Maleficent called. "How are you?"

"Rourke's unconscious (thankfully not dead) because of Helga, Facilier's going between 'I feel really bad for what I did!' and 'Hang on, I'm a Disney Villain! We don't feel remorse!'. On top of that, Aladdin and Eugene have pranked my house again (TP, really?) and I have had to spend four hours cleaning the toilet paper up. The only good thing is that Yzma turned Shan Yu into a chicken by mistake and pictures are all over the town. Fine. You?"

"Ursula's been crying about Facilier again and called me at 5am to complain about it and Gothel made me help look up youth potions for three hours. And those three fairies have 'accidentally' turned my house a horrible mix of blue, pink and light green. I have had to spend a while making it black with dark green and purple again. The only good thing is that Yzma had turned Shan Yu into a chicken by mistake and pictures are all over the town. Me too." she answered. "Hey, even though you didn't get your staff yourself, I realised- I sorta miss you. None of these other men are quite like you, y'know."

"Are you saying what you think you're saying?" he asked in shock. He would never tell the others what he actually thought about his ex.

She poked his shoulder lightly with her staff. "Yes. Meet me tonight." She walked off.

"Way to go!" Hades cheered.

"You were eavesdropping?" Jafar asked, slowly getting more angry.

"Yep- see ya!" Hades took off running down the street.

Later, Jafar was sitting across from Maleficent, catching up with each other's lives. It had actually been going pretty well until his phone rang.

"Medusa?" he groaned. Maleficent glared suspiciously at him.

"No, I can't come over tonight!"

"Who said we were seeing each other?"

"Look, Medusa, I never made any promises!"

"I'M ON A DATE!"

"I NEVER SAID ANYTHING LIKE THAT! BUH-BYE, YOU CRAZY LADY!" Jafar slammed his phone down.

"That does it!" Maleficent said, her voice cold. "You're with Medusa, aren't you? Aren't you?" She stood up and walked out.

"WAIT!" he called desperately. "Please, Maleficent, I-"

She turned around. "NO! OK, Jafar? I can't believe you! We are never ever getting back together! You're a_ blank space_- no, you're just trouble! I guess this was never meant to be a love story- y'know what, I don't care, I'm just gonna shake it off! SEE YA NEVER!" And with that, she flicked her cloak and left.

That was bad. Really bad.

Also, who knew Maleficent was a Taylor Swift fan?

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Jafar was standing in the line for overpriced takeaway coffee, waiting to receive his drink (no-fat soya chai latte with cinnamon sauce, caramel foam, chocolate cream, spice-flavoured crushed ice, savoury marshmallows, strawberry powder, freeze-dried eggs and just a _touch_ of duvet cover) absently listening to everyone's babble (and trying to avoid the sight of Helga and Hans snogging, which was one of those things you want to stop looking at, but at the same time you _can't _stop looking at). He finally collected his coffee (the egg tasted GREAT today) when-

"Hey Jafar." Medusa greeted cheerfully, coming up behind him.

"BAAH!" he yelled, scarpering out of the coffee shop. Damn her! How did she catch him unawares like that?

"Sir, you haven't paid!" the barista yelled.

"Once a villain, always a villain." Jafar heard a woman mutter.

Medusa ran out after him.

"YOU HAVEN'T PAID EITHER!" the furious barista raged at Medusa.

"They're all the same, aren't they?" the same voice sighed dolefully. Jafar already wanted to punch that person, and she hadn't spoken twenty words so far.

"I'LL COME BACK!" Medusa screeched at the door, running after the terrified vizier.

"Can I order, please?" Ratcliffe yelled. It was ridiculous, he had been standing there for ages!

The barista ignored him and looked at the scene unfolding on the street. Medusa was still chasing Jafar, to the amusement of Rourke, Hades and Facilier, who were sitting on their usual balcony and laughing like hell(fire). Finally, she caught Jafar.

"Oh don't look like that, you idiot!" Medusa shouted, dragging him back into the coffee shop. "We need to talk!" She finally pulled him back in.

"OK, will you two pay now?" the barista asked, who had been watching the scene intently.

"CAN I PLEASE ORDER!" Ratcliffe stormed.

"Excuse me! We are very busy right now! I will pay! Later!" Medusa shouted. The barista scowled, but he finally served the indignant Governor Ratcliffe.

"Yeah, right." the same voice remarked.

"Oh that is it!" Medusa shouted.

"Why don't I-" Jafar continued, but stopped in his tracks as soon as he realised it was Mulan.

"What did you want?" she asked faux-sweetly.

The two villains looked at each other in fear. Then they immediately began to stutter out apologies. "Sorry, Miss Fa- Miss Mulan! All respect to the heroine of China!" Jafar rushed out. Medusa nodded vehemently, eyes wide with fear.

"Oh, it's nothing." she smirked. She turned back to the redhead sitting at the same table. "So, Mer, when are you gonna give me that archery lesson…..?"

Medusa dragged Jafar over to a table and pushed him into a chair.

"That's it, you two. PAY." the barista warned.

Jafar rummaged in his pocket. "Shit, I forgot my wallet." This was true, he had ACTUALLY forgotten his wallet.

"Och, I knew he was never gonna pay!" the redhead commented. Mulan nodded.

"For god's sakes, I'll cover it." Medusa rolled her eyes, pulled out a few notes, slammed them on the counter and walked back to the table.

"What do you want?" Jafar asked.

"I just wanted to tell you that I think we should be over. It's not really working out." Medusa smiled sadly.

"Oh no! That is terrible! I'm sorry you feel this way!" Jafar tried hard to keep the sarcasm out of his voice. He was kinda failing at that.

"Yeah. I'm sorry too. And, anyway, I've kind of fallen for someone else. Can you help me? We can be friends, right?"

"O-k…. who is it?'

"That guy!" She beamed and pointed at Percival McLeach, who was sitting and talking with Clayton.

"THAT GUY? OK, whatever. Go for it! Just be yourself!" he cheered, a fake smile frozen on his face.

"Thank you!" Medusa squealed, running off. Jafar fixed his face and let go of the fake smile. When she reached the table, she excitedly started chattering to McLeach, who surprisingly looked interested….

Jafar sipped his coffee. Wow, they had gotten the proportions just right in this. When he next looked up, Clayton was on his own and Medusa and McLeach had disappeared.

Right, that was it. If his annoying ex could find someone, he could get Maleficent. Right? RIGHT?

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"Hey, Maleficent!" he called, as he walked along the street. She was alone this time!

She slapped him across the face immediately. "Don't talk to me! I told you I never want to see you again, you bastard! And- ooh, Commander!" She ran off after…. _Rourke? _That traitor…!

"Cheer up, Jafar." Hades drawled, approaching the scowling vizier. "Tons of people aren't coupled up, and they're fine."

Jafar laughed, but then scowled again as Helga and Hans walked past, Hans whispering something into her ear which was making her smile.

"Oh come on Jaf!" Hades scoffed. "Leave it."

Grimhilde and the Horned King walked past, in one of their sassy flirtations.

"Everyone is coupled up!" Jafar grumped, pointing at Medusa and McLeach, who were walking past too. He was surprised that had worked out so well for her.

"Not everyone… Faci's still single, right?" Hades guessed hopefully.

"Not for long." Jafar muttered bitterly, looking over to where the witch doctor was smooth-talking an impressed-looking Mother Gothel.

"Well, you've always got me and Frollo." Hades shrugged. "And, look, single people are happy!" He indicated Cruella DeVil and the Queen of Hearts, who were laughing and drinking from a bottle of cheap wine as they wondered down the street.

"I don't want to have Frollo! He is so annoying- always telling me I'm going to hell for being a Muslim!" Jafar complained. "And those two are going to be alcoholic some day, so.… I don't wanna be like them!"

"Well, fine. You have me, and we're great friends, right, Jaffy? We can just be the single guys together- hey! Narissa, aren't you just looking fine tonight!" He walked off, hoping to talk to Evil Queen 2.

Jafar looked at all the coupled-up people around him. Narissa was looking interested in the fast-talking, smooth god. "Damn." he muttered. "Damn."

**Just a weird idea that popped into my head. Sorry about all the weird pairings- it's the only way I can make this work! (Though I do quite like the idea of Helga and Hans).**


End file.
